A Dark Fic

<img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1jEdrXtNMG9ARTDp4J5CLEHy2dLn7JNSl"></img> You awake to find yourself in [[a Dark Fic]] (set: $inventory to (a:)) (set: $identity to (a:)) (set: $newid to (a:)) (set: $critter to (a:)) (set: $finalid to (a:))

YOU! You are now inside the world’s only live-action yuletide fic, spawned at the request of its recipient and the whimsy of its anonymous author. A poor pastiche? Perhaps. Or...yet one more iteration in the cycle? What you know is this: it began in a theatre. Or a convention centre. Or at the extreme end of a Twitch stream. There was a man there--white-blond hair, wild eyes, dressed like a half-starved American Football player crossed with a goth's intrepretation of a christmas tree. His voice bounces between registers: one moment a commanding boom that Brian Blessed would be proud of, the next an acerbic, conspiratorial whisper, or a friendly fourth-wall-breaking aussie aside, or- [[YA DIE!]]

<img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1cYyu-fh1q7uU4bkFf07f-yJYSdXLalkZ"></img> ...and it doesn't matter whether you were expecting it or not. The audience are chanting. The man on stage skips across the boards. A thud, as his foot connects with an amp, and he's still screaming those words into his mic as he stumbles towards the camera, towards you in your front-row seat (in the theatre, the convention centre, the comfort of your own room). You recoil instinctively. Perhaps you gasp, forgetful of the ironic pineapple chunks you were snacking on. Perhaps you throw up your arms defensively, dropping your pint on the floor as a spike of pain lances up your left arm into your jaw. Perhaps you simply close your eyes, missing the contortions of the man's body as he catches himself, and smirks. "Well. This is a new one." And the world contorts around you (YA DIE!) and it contorts around him (YA DIE!) and the room goes dark (what else would it do?) and, yes, sadly... [[You die?]]

After some time, awareness returns. And a choice, inevitably, must be made. (set: $why to 0) (set: $sleep to 0)(set: $bullshit to 0) <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1cxaVX4Ddy_jmg7ncxIqTwVi9w_vzUTqx"></img> You don't put too much thought into it, and maybe that was a mistake, but done is done and these aren't the kind of choices you can roll back. Like it or not, you are (text-colour: blue)[[Newbie Darren->newbie]] now.

{(if: $why < 1)[Why did you say you were 'Newbie Darren'? Darren isn't even your real na...nahhh...ungh. Your name is.... ngh.... You //do// know your name. It's Darren, of course, but a bigger question is figuring out //why//. ] (if: $why < 1)[You also realise that you are not just any Darren. You are //Newbie Darren//, and you have awoken to find yourself in a dark fic.] (if: $why >= 1 and $why < 2)[Why? Because it's a Fic, Darren. And it's Dark, Darren. And you're awake in it.] (if: $why > 1)[Oh, you want to know why you are //Darren//, Newbie Darren?] (if: $why > 1)[It's because I don't //like// that other name. You know, the one you've forgotten. Happy now? ] (if: $why > 1)[Anyway. You're in a Dark Fic. Pick an option, Newbie Darren.]} <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1e5eOmCO7PgIDFG4ReYx2w2aYJDIVKBJM"></img> (set: $why to it + 1) (text-colour: blue)+(if:$why < 3)[[Why?->newbie]] (text-colour: blue)+(if:$why > 2)[[Why?->death1]] (text-colour: yellow)+(if:$sleep < 3)[[Sleep->sleep1]](text-colour: yellow)+(if:$sleep > 2)[[Sleep->sleep1b]] (text-colour: green)+(if:$why < 3)[[Find Light Switch->light1]](text-colour: green)+(if:$why > 2)[[Find Light Switch->light1]] (text-colour: red)+(if:$why < 3)[[Go North->north1]](text-colour: red)+(if:$why > 2)[[Go North->north1]]

You close your eyes. And when [[sleep has ended...->sleep1a]]

(if: $bullshit<1)[You choose to find the Light Switch. But HOW will you find the light switch? You're in a Dark Fic. You need the light switch to see.](if: $bullshit >0)[Bullshit you see!] Do you see? <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1QPmXfqMw60J8NK3RKlUxV0zQQLxaGA8o"></img> (text-colour: blue) + (if: $bullshit< 2)[[I see->light1]](text-colour: blue) + (if: $bullshit> 1)[[I see->philosophy]] (text-colour: yellow)+ (if: $bullshit< 3)[[I don't see->bullshit1]] (set: $bullshit to it + 1)

You proceed in the direction you believe to be North. How do you know it's north? You're in a dark fic and there aren't any signs. But perhaps you think you're playing an old-style text adventure game and just selecting an option will make it happen? <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1xhDLq58d8W_fKXHy7StwJq_et2Ulnunx"></img> (text-colour: blue)[[Yes?->shithappens]] (text-colour: yellow)[[No?->north2]]

(set: $identity to $identity + (a: "Newbie")) You know it isn't helping, but continue to channel your inner three-year-old. The fic is like a vast dark room, filled with roomy darkness, and you sense nothing meaningful inside it at all. You scream louder, and it defies you: no walls to echo off, no monsters to hear you, not even a room at all. Words on a screen. And you, in the dark interstices between them. You continue screaming, "WHY?", over and over, until your voice cracks and your lungs bleed, not because you have lungs or blood or can hear any screaming at all, but simply because the narrative has brought you here. The Dark Fic gains the tag #MajorCharacterDeath and #TrappedInTheNarrative. (set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "MajorCharacterDeath")+(a:"TrappedInTheNarrative")) <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1cYyu-fh1q7uU4bkFf07f-yJYSdXLalkZ"></img> [[You die.->iteration2a]] Current tags: (print: $inventory's 1st +", "+ $inventory's 2nd)

In the silence between death and rebirth, your awareness... stumbles over something? (print: $inventory) Story tags. Huh. They're a lot more tangible than you'd guessed. "Major Character Death" is a bit of a no-brainer. You died, and the tag appeared. The rest are equally self-explanatory, but the way they seem to //tug// at you here? They're clearly not just tags. You reflect on your experiences, trying to make a little more sense of things. (set: $bullshit to 0) (if: $inventory contains "HauntedHouse" or "Defenestration" or "TrappedInTheNarrative" or "BirdFood" or "BodyHorror" or "Poison" or "Insomnia"or "CzechPlease"or "Violence")[Your choices can affect your ](if: $inventory contains "HauntedHouse" or "Defenestration" or "TrappedInTheNarrative")[environment... ](if: $inventory contains "BirdFood" or $inventory contains "BodyHorror"or $inventory contains "Poison" or $inventory contains "Insomnia"or $inventory contains "CzechPlease"or $inventory contains "TrappedInTheNarrative")[physical form... ] (if: $inventory contains "Insomnia"or $inventory contains "Violence")[mental state... ] (if: $inventory contains "OregonTrail" or $inventory contains "Gollum")[You realise you can summon characters and effects from other games and stories.] (if: $inventory contains "TrappedInTheNarrative"or $inventory contains "BodyHorror"or $inventory contains "IdiotBall"or $inventory contains "Gollum" or $inventory contains "OregonTrail" or $inventory contains "BirdFood" or $inventory contains "Poison" )[More crucially, you also realise that the narrative seems to hate you?] So. [[What are you going to do about it?]]

new options cry feet tutorial different game Brush with death beta-read by wolves. Oh the Shame Hoopy Frood too many left feet breaking the fourth wall Pot-Plant Luck What were you thinking? badfic Tingler Love is Real attempted bestiality Guinea Pigs Cruelty to Coalies Authorial Fiat Major Character Death Trapped In The Narrative Insomnia Body Horror Socratic Method Out of character You're afraid of Virginia Woolf Poison Promethian Punishment Czech Please Bird Food Gollum Idiot Ball Something Smells Like Vinegar Smells Like Something Burning Multilingyule Defenestration FearOfFalling FearOfLanding OregonTrail Violence Notes on plot. What can be learned by each Darren? How do tags influence the narrative? - environment, physical state, mental state, hates you, summon others. How does identity influence the narrative? Questions to be answered. How to escape? (last question) Why are you Darren? (1st question) why does the narrative hate you (2nd question)

(set: $sleep to it + 1) ...you wake to find yourself in a Dark Fic <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1e5eOmCO7PgIDFG4ReYx2w2aYJDIVKBJM"></img> (text-colour: blue)+(if:$why < 3)[[Why?->newbie]](text-colour: blue)+(if:$why > 2)[[Why?->death1]] (text-colour: yellow)+(if:$sleep < 2)[[Sleep->sleep1]](text-colour: yellow)+(if:$sleep > 1)[[Sleep->sleep1b]] (text-colour: green)+(if:$why < 3)[[Find Light Switch->light1]](text-colour: green)+(if:$why > 2)[[Find Light Switch->light1]] (text-colour: red)+(if:$why < 3)[[Go North->north1]](text-colour: red)+(if:$why > 2)[[Go North->north1]]

You sleep, and wake. Sleep, and wake. Weep, and shake. The fic grows darker. You wake in a state of increased anxiety. Sleep in insomniac fits and starts. You know that nightmares find you in the darkness, but your memory of them is as void as everything else. You sleep, and pray not to wake. You wake, and pray not to sleep. You have taken to pressing gently on your closed eyes in the vain hope of tricking your optic nerves into seeing something, //anything// at all! The Dark Fic gains the tag #Insomnia It never works, but it passes the time, at least until the day (night? year?) when you wake from sleep and realise you don't have fingers any more, or eyes, and you will [[never sleep again.->iteration2a]] The Dark Fic gains the tag #MajorCharacterDeath (set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "MajorCharacterDeath")+(a: "Insomnia")) (set: $identity to $identity + (a: "Newbie")) <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1cYyu-fh1q7uU4bkFf07f-yJYSdXLalkZ"></img> Current tags: (print: $inventory's 1st +", "+ $inventory's 2nd+", "+ $inventory's 3rd)

That's right you don't fucking see. Any other bright ideas? <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1KZ9NmJGX3-TIwZKPTPsxcmg2rvtpxlbu"></img> (text-colour: blue)[[Touch the wall->wall1a]] (text-colour: yellow)[[Check pockets->pockets1a]] (text-colour: green)[[Kick the wall->wall1b]] (text-colour: red)[[Czech pockets->pockets1b]]

Oh we're getting philosophical now, are we? The darkness is just metaphorical? Well, Newbie Darren. If that's the way you want to play this game... There's a cup in your hand. It's either half full or half empty. If it's fully empty, are you free? You ponder the conundrum, and drink from the cup. By the time it is drained you have half an idea, but you're also full of hemlock and it doesn't do you any more good than it did Socrates. The Dark Fic gains the tags #MajorCharacterDeath, #SocraticMethod and #Poison (set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "MajorCharacterDeath")+ (a: "SocraticMethod")+(a: "Poison")) <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1cYyu-fh1q7uU4bkFf07f-yJYSdXLalkZ"></img> [[And yes, you die.->iteration2a]] Current tags: (print: $inventory's 1st +", "+ $inventory's 2nd+", "+ $inventory's 3rd)

You reach out and [[caress the wall]]...

What has it got in its pocketses, precious? Is it tasty? Is it wriggling? Give it to precious! (The Dark Fic gains the tag #Gollum)(set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "Gollum")) ...are //you// tasty and wriggly and crunchable? <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1xhDLq58d8W_fKXHy7StwJq_et2Ulnunx"></img> (text-colour: blue)[[Yes->gollum1]] (text-colour: yellow)[[No->gollum2]]

You have chosen the path of violence! The Dark Fic gains the tag #Violence (set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "Violence")) You kick the wall. You learn that walls are hard and human toes are soft and pain is definitely present here. You kick it again, and something gives way, bones dislocating and plaster cracking. You have to force yourself to kick it a third time, biting back a scream as you do so, throwing your full bodyweight at the wall and oh //fuck// it hurts but you think you [[feel it move?]]

Probudíte se a ocitnete se v temném fiktivním díle. Mluvíte česky? <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/10F6IcKT26HIGldZyIcjm1bTKhLSA5Ts1"></img> (text-colour: blue)[[Žádný->english]] (text-colour: yellow)[[Ano->multilingyule]]

...and perhaps you are expecting it to be indifferent to you, hmm? You think that you can then touch another wall? Lick it, maybe, or press yourself into it, and end this cycle via electrocution by the exposed wires in the hole in the wall where the lightswitch used to be? Oh, Darren. You really //are// a newbie. This isn't a Dark Room. This is a //Dark Fic//. And the walls are //not// where you expect them to be. So, you decide to be [[indifferent to the wall.]]

Balancing on your one good leg, you tentatively reach out and inspect the wall. It's wet with your blood, but your probing fingers find a spot where the brickwork is exposed and then...a gap. Just one brick, just one, but it's enough to start with. You claw at the wall in the darkness, tugging at the bricks. Pain lances through your foot with each exertion. Your fingers are bleeding. Everything hurts now. You dig deep into the flesh of the wall, and [[t e a r...]]

...and with a //pop// the next brick comes free, and the Dark Fic gains the #Body Horror tag. (set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "Body Horror")) The brick pulses in time with the throbbing in your foot, and the //slush//, //slush//, //slush// from the hole in your chest. I don't think we need to spell the next bit out, do we Darren? The Dark Fic gains the tag #MajorCharacterDeath (set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "MajorCharacterDeath")) <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1cYyu-fh1q7uU4bkFf07f-yJYSdXLalkZ"></img> [[You die.->iteration2a]] Current tags: (print: $inventory's 1st +", "+ $inventory's 2nd+", "+ $inventory's 3rd)

Unfortunately, the walls of this place don't appreciate your indifference. And you know the wall that dislikes it the most? <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1wKL0RBHbCJWBGEQsuNuKPit4eEOO27ts"></img> (text-colour: blue)[[This Wall->thiswall]] (text-colour: yellow)[[The Other Wall->thiswall]]

Oh, now that's just made everything worse. The walls shudder and the Dark Fic gains the tag #HauntedHouse even though 'haunted' isn't really the best descriptor. 'House that really fucking hates your guts' would be closer, but that isn't quite it either, because this is no more a house than the fic is a room or the word wall is a wall. (set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "Haunted House")) The walls that are not walls press in upon you, letter by letter and pixel by pixel and brick by brick, and it's not a death by smothering or crushing but rather the spaces between your atoms becoming occupied in a very different, wally way. The Dark Fic gains the tag #MajorCharacterDeath (set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "MajorCharacterDeath")) <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1cYyu-fh1q7uU4bkFf07f-yJYSdXLalkZ"></img> [[You die.->iteration2a]] Current tags: (print: $inventory's 1st +", "+ $inventory's 2nd)

Darren. //Seriously//, Darren? You're stuck in a Dark Fic, and the first seemingly sentient thing you encounter asks if you're //tasty// (and //wriggly// and //crunchable//) and you say YES? At this point, I think you're just exploring options. Surely even a Newbie Darren has more of a sense of self preservation than this? //<sigh>// Whatever. This one ends with Gollum pickling your body parts. The Dark Fic gains the tags #MajorCharacterDeath, #IdiotBall and #SomethingSmellsLikeVinegar (set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "MajorCharacterDeath")+ (a: "SomethingSmellsLikeVinegar")) <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1cYyu-fh1q7uU4bkFf07f-yJYSdXLalkZ"></img> [[And yes, you die.->iteration2a]] Current tags: (print: $inventory's 1st +", "+ $inventory's 2nd+", "+ $inventory's 3rd+", ")

Of course you're not, but the mention of food makes you realise that you're also feeling kinda peckish and it's only a matter of time before Gollum here tries to shank you in your sleep. "Ssss!" he hisses, sensing your intent. "Nasty, nasty Darrenses! We hates them //gollum gollum// and we hates their tricksy appetites!" Before you know it the pair of you are scuffling in the darkness, his hands clawing for your throat and you trying and failing to wrestle free. The thin fingers tighten and you desperately try to recall how Bilbo Baggins managed to give him the slip. What HAVE you got in your pocketses? The pockets you didn't have before now are finally made manifest. Inside, you find a small, cold, loop of metal. Well! You make a fist of your other hand and deliver a solid right hook. Gollum's grip on you loosens. You heave your body forwards and slam him against the wall. The pitiable creature wails in pain and terror and suddenly there's a blinding flash. The last thing you see is your own skeletal hands lit up terribly as the electricity courses from the bare wires in the hole in the wall where the lightswitch ought to be, through you both, and down to the ground. The Dark Fic gains the tags #MajorCharacterDeath and #SmellsLikeSomethingBurning (set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "MajorCharacterDeath")+ (a: "SmellsLikeSomethingBurning")) <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1cYyu-fh1q7uU4bkFf07f-yJYSdXLalkZ"></img> [[And yes, you die.->iteration2a]] Current tags: (print: $inventory's 1st +", "+ $inventory's 2nd+", "+ $inventory's 3rd)

The Dark Fic gains the tag #Multilingyule, forcing it into the Yuletide Madness collection. (set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "Multilingyule")) (link:"Autor povídky vás hlasitě proklíná. Už toho bylo dost! Utopí vás ve velkém hrnci guláše a pak z vás udělají klobásu utopence.",(action:'mouseout'))[The author of the story curses you loudly. Enough is enough! They drown you in a large pot of goulash and make Utopenec from your body.] The Dark Fic gains the tags #MajorCharacterDeath and #CzechPlease (set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "MajorCharacterDeath")+ (a: "CzechPlease")+(a: "Goulash")) <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1cYyu-fh1q7uU4bkFf07f-yJYSdXLalkZ"></img> [[And yes, you die.->iteration2a]] Current tags: (print: $inventory's 1st +", "+ $inventory's 2nd+", "+ $inventory's 3rd)

Regretfully, you do not speak Czech. You are therefore unaware that you once again woke to find yourself in a Dark Fic, only this time in Prague. Want to know something that Prague is famous for? //Defenestrations.// And the ground is a very, //very//, VERY long way down. <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1cYyu-fh1q7uU4bkFf07f-yJYSdXLalkZ"></img> The Dark Fic gains the tags #MajorCharacterDeath, #Defenestration, #FearOfFalling, and #FearOfLanding. (set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "MajorCharacterDeath")+ (a: "Defenestration")+ (a: "FearOfFalling")+ (a: "FearOfLanding")) [[And yes, you die.->iteration2a]] Current tags: (print: $inventory's 1st +", "+ $inventory's 2nd+", "+ $inventory's 3rd+", "+ $inventory's 4th)

You decide that yes, this IS an old-style text adventure game. YOU have the power to make the decisions here! You can go any direction you want! You can buy oxen and weapons and food and clothes and... <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/19MLfRi8oneKdTCGr4LsfddnYhPjyLvaA"></img> The Dark Fic gains the tags #MajorCharacterDeath and #OregonTrail [[You have died of Dysentry.->iteration2a]](set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "MajorCharacterDeath")+(a:"OregonTrail")) Current tags: (print: $inventory's 1st +", "+ $inventory's 2nd)

Not for you the comfort of knowing how games like this are played! Oho no! Because you are a pigeon! You continue northwards. The Earth's magnetic field is a feather-soft touch inside your hazelnut-sized brain, guiding you inexorably towards the pole. The hours and miles pass swiftly by beneath your wings. You care nothing for finding light switches in dark rooms. Go north. That's all that matters. Go no- <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1cYyu-fh1q7uU4bkFf07f-yJYSdXLalkZ"></img> The peregrine strikes you at close to 200 mph, stunning you instantly. The Dark Fic gains the tags #MajorCharacterDeath and #BirdFood [[And yes, you die.->iteration2a]](set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "MajorCharacterDeath")+(a:"BirdFood")) Current tags: (print: $inventory's 1st +", "+ $inventory's 2nd)

<img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1IWmAh5dcBQP0GpSD6W5hQkpVdDJryaLH"></img> You know that the tags are meaningful in some way, on a truly visceral level. Perhaps an AO3 Tag Mod would be the right person to step up and play? On the other hand, this narrative fucking has it in for you. Maybe you need to fight fire with fire. What better place to start than the hot-blooded anonymous wankery of Yuletide Coal? Then again...you recall that at the moment when this whole debacle started, you weren't the only person affected. Robbotron said...something? //This is a new one?// Or, rather, //you// said that after almost falling off the stage and everything going fucking weird. You're Darren now, obviously. But //which// Darren? (text-colour: yellow) [[Tagmod Darren->tagmod]] (text-colour: green) [[Coalie Darren->coalie]] (text-colour: red) [[Robbotron Darren->robbie]]

(set: $identity to "coalie")Once again, you awake to find yourself in a Dark Fic, but this time round you're not going to rush your choices. <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1usc9GrolhORZOrr9ta6Tj3afB09LbuBz"></img> You already know where some of those choices will lead, and it's pretty clear this story isn't friendly. Well, this story doesn't know //you//. Everyone is Darren on Yuletide Coal. Kinda. Does Morbane count as a Darren? Same difference. It's an anonmeme and any consequences you encounter here...so long as you don't anonfail, some other coalie can take the hit, while you figure out how to break this cycle. What about your...//Darrenness//? You are not yourse..eurrghh...you// are// Darren, after all. Why is Darren in a Dark Fic? What should Darren do now? (text-colour: blue)[[Why?->why-2]] (text-colour: yellow)[[Sleep->sleep-2]] (text-colour: green)[[Find Light Switch->light-2]] (text-colour: red)[[Go North->north-2]]

(set: $identity to "robbie")Once again, you awake to find yourself in a Dark Fic, but this time round you're not going to rush your choices. <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1usc9GrolhORZOrr9ta6Tj3afB09LbuBz"></img> You already know where some of those choices will lead. In fact... You stretch out your awareness, and... //fuck me, this ain't good,// an innately white-blond, Aussie part of your Darrenness realises. The Robbotron part of you wrote the dungeon this fic seems to be based on but (a) you are very much not in the driving seat, and (b) Death comes pretty much at random in this game. Piss off whoever is running the narrative, get overly repetitive, start heckling... You're going to need to be smart about this. What about your...//Darrenness//? You are not yourse..eurrghh...you// are// Darren, after all. Why is Darren in a Dark Fic? What should Darren do now? (text-colour: blue)[[Why?->why-2]] (text-colour: yellow)[[Sleep->sleep-2]] (text-colour: green)[[Find Light Switch->light-2]] (text-colour: red)[[Go North->north-2]]

(set: $identity to "tagmod")Once again, you awake to find yourself in a Dark Fic, but this time round you're not going to rush your choices. <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1usc9GrolhORZOrr9ta6Tj3afB09LbuBz"></img> You already know where some of those choices will lead. You noticed when the tags appeared, and felt a modicum of security when they did. It's familiar ground. Perhaps if you can find the right combination, they'll be synonymous with...what? Escape? Death? Something else? What about your...//Darrenness//? You are not yourse..eurrghh...you// are// Darren, after all. Why is Darren in a Dark Fic? What should Darren do now? (text-colour: blue)[[Why?->why-2]] (text-colour: yellow)[[Sleep->sleep-2]] (text-colour: green)[[Find Light Switch->light-2]] (text-colour: red)[[Go North->north-2]]

You proceed in the direction you believe to be North. How do you know it's north? (if: $identity contains "robbie")[You concentrate on northness.](if: $inventory contains "Cartography 101")[They don't teach //that// in Cartography 101! It helps that you also have a solid mental map of this place. Because of that, the direction you //believe// to be North actually is. You're no pigeon-brained idiot! (Except for the internal compass, you suppose).] (if: $identity contains "robbie")[[As you walk, it gets colder.->farnorth]](if: $identity contains "tagmod")[Easy! Each time you shift a foot, you sense a nascent compass tag. Ooh, there's even one for "random walk"! Maybe you'll use them later. For now though, you confidently walk northwards.](if: $identity contains "tagmod")[(set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "Internal Compass"))](if: $identity contains "tagmod")[[As you walk, it gets colder.->farnorth]](if: $identity contains "coalie")[Fuck knows! But being ignorant has //never// stopped a Coalie from expressing an opinion.](if: $identity contains "coalie")[[North's this way.->fearnorth]](if: $identity contains "coalie")[(set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "Deeply Misguided"))]

(if: $bullshit<1)[You choose to find the Light Switch. But HOW will you find the light switch? You're in a Dark Fic. You need the light switch to see.](if: $bullshit >0)[Let's not waste any more time philosophising] //How// do you find the light switch? <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/170HTALvIglKTb69C_qx9fvcfk-K2hcRj"></img> (text-colour: blue)[[Fingers and guesswork in the dark->burn]](if: $inventory contains "Cartography 101")[...will surely lead to electrocution by the bare wires in the socket in the wall where the light switch used to be](if: $inventory contains "SmellsLikeSomethingBurning")[...even though the last time you tried that it got you and Gollum electrocuted.] (text-colour: yellow)[[A mental schematic!->scheme]](if: $inventory contains "Cartography 101")[You just have to be damn careful to avoid the live wires poking out of the wall there.] (text-colour: red)[[Actually, let's rethink this->rethink]]

Because it's a //fic//, Darren. And it's //dark//, Darren. And you're awake in it. (set: $why to 1) Oh, did you have a different answer in mind? You want to know why YOU, specifically, are awake in this dark fic? Do you really, really want to know the answer to that? <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1xhDLq58d8W_fKXHy7StwJq_et2Ulnunx"></img> (text-colour: blue)[[Yes?->yes2]] (text-colour: yellow)[[No?->no2]]

You close your eyes. And when [[sleep has ended...->sleep2a]]

(set: $sleep to it + 1) ...you wake to find yourself in a Dark Fic. (if: $identity contains "tagmod")[That's nothing unexpected. What you're hoping for is something different. You focus, concentrating on a spot just below your breastbone for something that feels like gravity and meaning. //There.// You mentally label part of it as "well rested"] (if: $identity contains "tagmod")[(set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "Well rested"))](if: $identity contains "coalie")[Did you //actually// sleep though? You tried damn hard not to, fighting the choices the narrative imposed upon you, and you can recall some unknown number of interminably dark hours with your eyes closed and your breathing steady, listening for the transition between passages. And...nothing. Maybe you did sleep? You didn't seem to dream though, or get much rest.] (if: $identity contains "coalie")[(set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "Tired AF"))](if: $identity contains "robbie")[Well, obviously. This was the plan, all along - to spend those hours reviewing your memory of decision trees and pathways. You are about as knowledgeable as a Darren can get. You're tired as fuck, and it's a little fuzzy around the edges, but you reckon you have a decent map of this part of the narrative. ] (if: $identity contains "robbie")[(set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "Tired AF")+ (a: "Cartography 101"))] <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1usc9GrolhORZOrr9ta6Tj3afB09LbuBz"></img> (text-colour: blue)[[Why?->why-2]](if: $inventory contains "Cartography 101")[...bad idea!] (text-colour: yellow)+(if:$sleep > 0)[[Sleep->sleep2b]](if: $inventory contains "Cartography 101")[...bad idea!] (text-colour: green)[[Find Light Switch->light-2]](if: $inventory contains "Cartography 101")[...bad idea!] (text-colour: red)[[Go North->north-2]]

You decide to repeat the experiment, and sleep some more. (if: $inventory contains "Tired AF")[You didn't sleep properly last time you tried, you're dog tired, and hoped this time things would go differently.](if: $inventory contains "Cartography101")[Yes, even though you knew this was a really bad idea. This place won't reward you for decisions you know to be flawed.] But. You do not sleep well. In fact, it entirely eludes you. You close your eyes and attempt to [[force sleep upon yourself->sleep2c]].

(if: $identity contains "tagmod")[You concentrate on applying the tag "Do Not Disturb!"](set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "DNR"))(if: $identity contains "tagmod")[...but in the darkness, the fingers on your mental keyboard strike the R instead of a second D...oh dear.] Everything grows still. Your body relaxes. Your heart slows. Tha-dump. Tha-dump. Tha. Dump. Th... <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1cYyu-fh1q7uU4bkFf07f-yJYSdXLalkZ"></img> [[You die.->iteration3a]] Current tags: (if: $inventory's length > 0)[\ (for: each _item, ...$inventory)[_item ] ]

You are once again in the silence between death and rebirth. There are story tags here. (if: $inventory's length > 0)[\ (for: each _item, ...$inventory)[_item ] ] There are also some choices: (if: $identity is "tagmod")[<img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1Pf2Aifx-EY8Hv3HhK44YVFMsAiQ5kYoD"></img>](if: $identity is "coalie")[<img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1TvvWOi3_5qQWEc4YQ3ww76KEzpIWlbWx"></img>](if: $identity is "robbie")[<img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1mDcy4ssZftJ1EgvGla3X3PvX0jQy8kFA"></img>] (if: $identity is "coalie")[(text-colour: yellow)[[Tagmod Darren->tagmodnew]]](if: $identity is "robbie")[(text-colour: yellow)[[Tagmod Darren->tagmodnew]]] (if: $identity is "robbie")[(text-colour: green)[[Coalie Darren->coalienew]]] (if: $identity is "tagmod")[(text-colour: green)[[Coalie Darren->coalienew]]] (if: $identity is "coalie")[(text-colour: red)[[Robbotron Darren->robbienew]]] (if: $identity is "tagmod")[(text-colour: red)[[Robbotron Darren->robbienew]]]

You find yourself in an open expanse of tundra. Scraggly conifers bend this way and that beneath a heavy burden of snow, and overhead the aurora borealis ripples across the darkness in subtle shades of green and red.(set: $critter to "wolf") Behind you, you hear a howl. <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1pg9xKjcf_qm-LWh2WaCE81ZdGWXbmf71"></img> (text-colour: blue)[[Run->run]](if: $identity contains "robbie")[ Those wolves are pretty fast...] (text-colour: yellow)[[Hide->hide]](if: $identity contains "robbie")[ This won't end well.] (text-colour: green)[[Do you want to build a snowman?->snowman]] (text-colour: red)[[The cold never bothered you anyway...->elsa]]

You find yourself in an open expanse of tundra. Scraggly conifers bend this way and that beneath a heavy burden of snow, and overhead the aurora borealis ripples across the darkness in subtle shades of green and red.(set: $critter to "wolf") Behind you, you hear a howl. You don't have time to think! <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1A5x4wwNt8_YhfqD_PTs2gIOtRADgH9Sf"></img> (text-colour: blue)[[Run->run]](if: $identity contains "robbie")[ Those wolves are pretty fast...] (text-colour: yellow)[[Hide->hide]](if: $identity contains "robbie")[ This won't end well.]

In the heavy snow, it's more of an awkward wade than a jog, and it's nothing at all like the sprint you'd need to outpace the pursuing pack of wolves. What you need is a different solution, especially when the //wolves are running//. <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1YIAnFlWd05pTHmwQD0a43xACME-uQTXY"></img> (text-colour: blue)[[Like...a gun?->belly]] (text-colour: yellow)[[Well, wasn't this the Purple Pim?->bod]]

Is there a tree you can climb? Maybe? You try to mount the nearest spruce, but it just leans over further before slipping out from under you with a dull //thwap// that scatters snow all over you. You're now cold, wet, and smelling slightly of sap. A snowbank you can burrow into? Well, yeah, but you're not sure that'll make a good defence against //hungry wolves//... A house, or an igloo? //Anything at all?// You are running out of options, fast. You remember seeing a funny video of arctic foxes diving headfirst into the snow, hunting some kind of rodent, and try to do the same. You succeed! You now have a mouthful of snow, your arms and upper torso are awkwardly crushed into the snowbank, your legs and arse are still dangling in the open air behind you, and...yeah, this wasn't your best idea. It's pretty hard to breathe, and you don't have the leverage to free yourself. On the plus side, you pass out from lack of oxygen before the wolves arrive(if: $identity contains "coalie")[, hoping to every god that never existed that your death won't involve //dewclaws//...] . <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1cYyu-fh1q7uU4bkFf07f-yJYSdXLalkZ"></img> (set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "Belly of the Beast") +(a: "If I can't see them...")) [[You die.->iteration3a]]

You wish for a gun. Do you see anything like that in this godforsaken wilderness? Would you even know what to do if you had one? (if: $identity contains "tagmod")[You concentrate hard and attempt to synonymise yourself with the Olympic RPF fandom for Yusuf Dikeç and Kim Ye-Ji. A single story in the archive, but it's enough, right?](if: $identity contains "tagmod")[You sense the relationship tag settle around you, warping a little to mesh with the narrative and your current situation, and...yeah. Damn. That one story was porn. Of course it was.] The wolves are on you. There's only one way this goes now. (if: $identity contains "tagmod")[A flurry of new tags appears.] (if: $identity contains "coalie")[You hope to every god that never existed that it won't involve //dewclaws//...] (if: $identity contains "tagmod")[The Dark Fic gains the tags #Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, #knotting, #NSFW](if: $identity contains "tagmod")[(set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics")+(a:"knotting")+(a:"NSFW"))] (if: $identity contains "tagmod")[Well, shit. Let's fade to black, shall we?] (if: $identity contains "coalie")[(set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "dewclaws"))] <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1cYyu-fh1q7uU4bkFf07f-yJYSdXLalkZ"></img> (set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "Belly of the Beast")) [[You die.->iteration3a]]

Humming the tune of //"The First Noel"//, you grab a branch off a nearby tree and begin to sketch out shapes in the snow. The Box of Delights is an obscure fandom but it comes up here and there around Christmastime, especially for Brits of a certain age. (if: $identity contains "tagmod")[It's easy enough to add the "crossover" tag. ] (if: $inventory contains "Gollum")[In your previous journey through the Dark Fic, you managed to summon Gollum. You definitely don't want him, this time! You need someone who can walk out of a crappy piece of art and help you.] There. It's done. In the snow in front of you, you've sketched a mountain path and an old man on a donkey. You squint. Yes, damn it. It's a donkey if you say it's a donkey, and the old man is Cole Hawlings, and in his pocket is a //very// special box. (if: $identity contains "tagmod")[You add the character tag for 'Cole Hawlings', and the world spins dizzingly. When it stops, you are holding a small, green box with a wooden knob in the very centre of its lid. "YES!" you exclaim, and shift the knob to the side that will make you //go swift//...] (if: $identity contains "robbie")[//Why am I trying to manifest an old guy on a donkey// you muse. //Why not Airwolf, or Batman?//] (if: $identity contains "coalie")["It's Cole, it's Cole, it's Cole" you chant, over and over. Your voice echoes back at you. //It's coal it's coal it's coal...//] (if: $identity contains "tagmod")[Air rushes past you, and the scenery is a blur. Ahead of you looms a mountain. Learning how to steer this thing suddenly becomes a very urgent problem...](if: $identity contains "coalie")[Beneath your feet, the ground shudders and a crevasse opens up, spilling you into a deep blue chasm of ice. It darkens as you fall... ](if: $identity contains "robbie")[You focus on summoning the subject of your sketch into this reality. The ground shudders and //something// stumbles into existance, neither man nor donkey nor centaur. It's just...//wrong//. And mad. Very, very mad.] (if: $identity contains "tagmod")[Still clutching the Box of Delights...][[You die->iteration3a]](if: $identity contains "tagmod")[(set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "Box of Delights"))](if: $identity contains "coalie")[(set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "Lump of Coal"))]

You decide that the wolves are probably more scared of you than you are of them, and resolve to prove the point by constructing a Snowman. You work up quite a sweat, rolling up those large balls of snow and heaving them into position like atlas stones in the World's Strongest Man. You break off some branches from a nearby tree and use them as arms. (if: $identity contains "coalie")[You realise you brought your own coal with you - that's the eyes and buttons sorted!] (if: $identity contains "robbie")[You scrabble on the ground beneath the snow for some pebbles for eyes. Then, you realise you can twist off a few of the flashing lights from your costume and use them as decoration, too. Some kind of snowman vajazzling?](if: $identity contains "tagmod")[If only you were a coalie, you'd have plenty of material for buttons and eyes! Instead, you apply the tags "lambent orbs" and something that looks like a grinning emoji](if: $identity contains "tagmod")[(set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "Lambent Orbs"))] For the remainder of the snowman's costume, you have to make do with scraps of your own clothes. The wolves, bemused by all this activity, have been watching you uneasily throughout. You reckon you're done building...so now what? How did the song go? Channeling your inner Aled Jones, you begin to sing //"We're Walking in the Air"// and pray for a miracle. The wolves growl, and whimper. Behind you, the snowman twitches. "//Suddenly, swooping low, on an ocean deep,//" you sing... "//A rousing of a mighty monster from its sleep//" The alpha wolf yips once then bounds away, the rest of the pack hot on her heels. Neither them nor you see the snowman's face crack impossibly wide in a merciless, yawning grin, filled with layers of teeth like a shark, or a lamprey. The branch arms whip forward and slam you to the ground, stunning you. Then you're in the air, upended, screaming. Beneath you, the white maw of the monster glints with starlight as those icy teeth gnash... <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1cYyu-fh1q7uU4bkFf07f-yJYSdXLalkZ"></img> (set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "Belly of the Beast") +(a: "Evil Snowman")) [[You die.->iteration3a]]

Yes, there are wolves out there. Yes, it's cold and snowy. However...you're determined that you're not going to be fooled. All of this? It's just a narrative distraction! You need to know why you are Darren and why you are here, and that means an inwards journey. Going north was just the first step: the next is going in, and seeking self acceptance. You settle down in the snow, legs crossed in the lotus position. (if: $identity contains "robbie")[Certain parts of you shrivel and retreat].(if: $identity contains "coalie")[How many times have you told another coalie to //let it go//? You should be expert at this kind of thing.] You focus on your inner Darrenness, seeking enlightenment. (if: $identity contains "tagmod")[It feels like...a proxy. Audience participation. Loss of control. An unwilling self-insert, kind of like a Mary Sue, but not that. Maybe, though...] The cold seeps into you, and your limbs stiffen. A rime of ice grows over your eyebrows and two snotty icicles descend from your nostrils. Snow drifts gently against you, around you, over you. Everything is white and peaceful and still. [[You still die though.->iteration3a]]<img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1cYyu-fh1q7uU4bkFf07f-yJYSdXLalkZ"></img> (set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "Enlightenment") +(a: "Let it go!"))

You caress the walls of the fic in the dark, feeling a tantalising thrill passing through you. The sensation escalates as your knuckles graze the live wires in the hole in the wall where the light switch used to be. (if: $inventory contains "lump of coal")[The lump of coal in your pocket bursts into flames as the current passes through you.] This was never a good idea. Of course you fucking [[die!.->iteration3a]] (set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "SmellsLikeSomethingBurningAgain")) <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1cYyu-fh1q7uU4bkFf07f-yJYSdXLalkZ"></img>

You thoughtfully assess your mental schematic of the fic. The light switch is on the wall, somewhere, or at least it used to be. Not the north wall, because "Go North" is an alternative option. How well do you know this place? (if: $inventory contains "Cartography 101")[Pretty well, you reckon.] You suppose you'll find out soon enough if that makes a difference. You measure out your paces to the nearest wall. Recall a range of options for lightswitch placement. (if: $inventory contains "TrappedInTheNarrative"or $inventory contains "BodyHorror"or $inventory contains "IdiotBall"or $inventory contains "Gollum" or $inventory contains "OregonTrail" or $inventory contains "BirdFood" or $inventory contains "Poison" )[You also remember that this narrative hates you, so you dial up your cautiousness to the max.](if: $inventory contains "TrappedInTheNarrative"or $inventory contains "BodyHorror"or $inventory contains "IdiotBall"or $inventory contains "Gollum" or $inventory contains "OregonTrail" or $inventory contains "BirdFood" or $inventory contains "Poison" )[(set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "Cautious"))] (if: $identity is "robbie")[The thing is, this bit of the game is like the Matrix. //There is no Spoon//. And no light switch either, just some very not-up-to-code wiring. There is electricity though, and if you can make something spark, and have some dry flammable stuff to hand, hey presto, you've got fire.] Slowly, you trail your fingers along the plaster until you find the edge of the defunct light switch cavity. One of the live wires is pretty obvious, and it's sheer luck that you didn't touch the copper. The other is hidden, caught up in a knot of twisted metal and plastic. Delicately, you reach out and pinch what you hope is a safely insulated section. Your luck holds! Now, you just need to ease it free of the wall... (if: $inventory contains "cautious" or $inventory contains "well rested" or $inventory contains "Cartography 101")[...like so.] (if: $inventory contains "tired AF")[...like so...but you're tired as fuck and there's a sudden flash, and a smell of burning hair, and you squint your eyes shut as flames shoot up your sleeve...](if: $inventory contains "cautious" or $inventory contains "well rested" or $inventory contains "Cartography 101")[The next phase is like one of those fairground games where you need to move a wand along a twisted metal path without touching it. In the dark. You lean hard on your luck and your caution, moving slowly, slowly, until the two live ends come into contact and start sparking.] (if: $identity is "coalie")[ At that point, you realise you've made a fundamental error. You're a coalie, Darren. And coal //burns//...] (if: $identity is "coalie" or $inventory contains "tired AF")[ (set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "SmellsLikeSomethingBurningAgain"))](if: $identity is "tagmod" or $identity is "robbie")[Using the sparks as guidance, you bring a wadded lump of fabric closer to the wires. It ignites! Soon you have a merry little flame to play with, enough to illuminate your surroundings. At that point, you realise you've made a fundamental error. By casting light on your predicament, you've removed all possible doubt. The room is enclosed, with neither window nor door nor even any obvious ventilation systems. You feel a headache growing behind your eyes. That'll be the rising CO2 levels. There's no way out. You're trapped here. Out of ideas. Out of hope. Out of time.](if: $identity is "tagmod" or $identity is "robbie")[(set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "Claustrophobia"))] Some time later -- and you really, //really// wish it was sooner -- you [[die.->iteration3a]] <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1cYyu-fh1q7uU4bkFf07f-yJYSdXLalkZ"></img>

Finding the light switch seemed like a good idea a few minutes ago, but it's not your only option. <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/100XapSuxnPQzMhoUqTkBmbm976ljSWcc"></img> (text-colour: blue)[[Find Yourself->you-who]] (text-colour: yellow)[[Find Coal->coal]] (text-colour: green)[[Find Light Switch->burn]] (text-colour: red)[[Find Crueltide->crueltide]]

You decide that the best solution is to go in search of Coal.(if: $identity is "robbie")[ The part of you that requested a Yuletide fic might know what that means, but alas! Robbotron is (probably?) not a Yuletide participant. It's cold and dark in this fic, and coal seemed like a useful thing to get hold of. You can't eat it, but you can burn it, and you can put it in the stockings of naughty girls and boys at Christmas (but make sure you get parental consent first!) You have the sense that this fic is leaning into the surreal and festive elements, and you also know that you can be very bad if you choose to be. So, fuck it. ] (if: $identity is "robbie")[(set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "lump of coal"))](if: $identity is "coalie")[ It's your home turf, and you're pretty sure that what you most need here is back-up.] (if: $identity is "tagmod")[ They've got a bit of a reputation, but at the end of the day they're still a community operating from a place of love for fic exchanges. And complaining. And arguing amongst themselves. But mostly it's just good people having good fun. You can put up the bat-signal and ask for help, and there might be a bit of gentle mockery but they //will// help you. You hope.] (if: $identity is "robbie")[ You curse and swear and threaten violence on the fic, and try to feel Christmassy. When you feel suitably het up and festive, you tie a neat little bow on your bad behaviour with a lewd joke at the expense of Rudolph, and then reach down and pull off one shoe, then a sock. You stretch one hand in, right down to the toe, and...there it is! You've found some //very// well deserved coal! And...that's actually pretty pointless. You stuff the lump of coal into your pocket, and [[resume your search for the light switch->burn]]](if: $identity is "coalie")[Somehow, you manifest a dreamwidth interface to the coaltide community, your thoughts appearing as airy text before your eyes. You start a new topic in the current thread--//"Help needed with interactive dark fic"//--and wait for a response.](if: $identity is "tagmod")[Somehow, you manifest a dreamwidth interface to the coaltide community, your thoughts appearing as airy text before your eyes. You start a new topic in the current thread--//"Help needed with interactive dark fic"//--and wait for a response.] (if: $identity is "coalie")[Minutes pass. An hour. Wait...is that a response?](if: $identity is "tagmod")[Minutes pass. An hour. Wait...is that a response?] (if: $identity is "coalie")[Just as you start to read, you sense a burgeoning pressure inside you and around you. It's a story tag, and it's a fucking big one, in 60pt Times New Roman](if: $identity is "tagmod")[Just as you start to read, you sense a burgeoning pressure inside you and around you. It's a story tag, and it's a fucking big one, in 60pt Times New Roman.] (if: $identity is "coalie")[META, the tag reads, and you sense it's still growing. CONTAINMENT FAILURE follows swiftly after. The tags begin to thrum, exerting a painful gravitational force on your limbs, stretching you and crushing you all at once. Oh no. Oh fuck. Too much META...](if: $identity is "tagmod")[META, the tag reads, and you sense it's still growing. CONTAINMENT FAILURE follows swiftly after. The tags begin to thrum, exerting a painful gravitational force on your limbs, stretching you and crushing you all at once. Oh no. This is bad. Too much META...] (if: $identity is "coalie")[You try your best to break free of the tags, but there's nowhere to go, no escape, just this unendurable crushing weight. //Fat lot of good you lot were//, you think in Coal's direction as you [[expire->iteration3a]]](if: $identity is "coalie")[<img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1cYyu-fh1q7uU4bkFf07f-yJYSdXLalkZ"></img>](if: $identity is "tagmod")[Is this how it ends? A Tag Mod, crushed to death by rogue story tags? Like hell it is! You're a tag moderator. A tag //modifier//. You grab the META letters and frantically reorder them to read [[TEAM->teamwork]]...] (if: $identity is "coalie")[(set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "META") + (a: "CONTAINMENT FAILURE"))](if: $identity is "tagmod")[(set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "META") + (a: "CONTAINMENT FAILURE")+(a: "TEAMWORK"))]

You settle down on the cold concrete floor, legs crossed in the lotus position. You close your eyes (needlessly in a fic as dark as this) and focus on your inner Darrenness, seeking enlightenment. (if: $identity contains "tagmod")[It feels like...a proxy. Audience participation. Loss of control. An unwilling self-insert, kind of like a Mary Sue, but not that. Maybe, though...](if: $identity contains "robbie")[Every Darren is different, but they're also fundamentally all the same. They'll die amusingly and get sent home with a piece of tat as a prize. Sometimes they bring you gifts -- appeasing the cruel god of the dark room. You recall the time one of them presented you with a life-size Robbotron made out of balloons and you destroyed it on stage for their amusement, accompanied by the theme song of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Yeah. Turtle Power. That's you.](if: $identity contains "coalie")[Then, you snicker. You could always focus on your outer Darrenness instead. That could be fun.] The cold seeps into you, and your limbs stiffen. Spiders weave their webs between your shoulders and the floor, hoping to trap stray flies. Your hair grows matted with dust, and you lose track of time, of meaning, of identity, while you focus on your physical form. Muscle by muscle, inch by inch, you construct a map of your own body. You are (if: $identity contains "robbie")[Robbotron](if: $identity contains "tagmod")[Tag Mod](if: $identity contains "coalie")[Coalie] Darren! (if: $identity contains "tagmod")[(set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "Crappy Mary Sue"))](if: $identity contains "robbie")[(set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "Turtle Power"))](if: $identity contains "coalie")[(set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "Onanism"))] [[You still die though.->iteration3a]]<img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1cYyu-fh1q7uU4bkFf07f-yJYSdXLalkZ"></img>

Crueltide.(if: $identity is "robbie")[ Whatever the fuck it is, it sounds both ominous and potentially revealing?](if: $identity is "coalie")[ If this is a Dark Fic, then Crueltide is where it belongs.](if: $identity is "tagmod")[ If this is a Dark Fic, then Crueltide is where it belongs.](set: $why to 0) You consider the tags the story has already accrued: (if: $inventory's length > 0)[\ (for: each _item, ...$inventory)[_item ] ] Major Character Death seems cruel enough. (if: $identity is "robbie")[ You scour the rest for something suitably tidal. ](if: $inventory contains "BirdFood" and $identity is "robbie")[ There was that time you were a pigeon with a strong sense of direction. Would that work? You could [[smoosh the bird food and the major character death together->prometheus]].](if: $inventory contains "Cartography 101" and $identity is "robbie")[ You also recall that your version of the game has a Lighthouse in it, and they're about as oceanic and tidal as buildings get. Maybe the Thames Barrier would be more so, but ehhh... It's totally an option to [[bugger off to the lighthouse->lighthouse]]](if: $identity is "robbie")[ The last resort option is to just grab [[a tag at random->random]].] (if: $identity is "coalie" or $identity is "tagmod")[ Is there some combination of tags that would be useful to you?] (if: $identity is "coalie" or $identity is "tagmod")[ <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1xhDLq58d8W_fKXHy7StwJq_et2Ulnunx"></img>] (if: $identity is "coalie" or $identity is "tagmod")[ (text-colour: blue)[[Yes?->yes4]]] (if: $identity is "coalie" or $identity is "tagmod")[ (text-colour: yellow)[[No?->random]]]

You're awake and aware and suffering in this dark fic because you are Darren, ir's dark, it's a fic, and because this narrative has needs of its own. More to the point, you're a (if: $identity is "robbie")[manifestation of the Dark Room's creator and this has been owed you for a long, long time. Karma, you know?](if: $identity is "tagmod")[tagmod of the archive and trapping you in here is fun. Think of it like stress-testing, or white-hat hacking? Maybe you'll figure a way out, maybe you won't, but either way this place is learning from you.](if: $identity is "coalie")[coalie. An anonymous, faceless Darren who can be trapped here indefinitely. What fun!] Back to you, now. What do you choose? <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1usc9GrolhORZOrr9ta6Tj3afB09LbuBz"></img> (text-colour: blue)[[Why?->why-3]] (text-colour: yellow)[[Sleep->sleep-2]] (text-colour: green)[[Find Light Switch->light-2]] (text-colour: red)[[Go North->north-2]]

Good. Try not to question why you're here. You won't enjoy the answer. Back to you, now. What do you choose? <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1usc9GrolhORZOrr9ta6Tj3afB09LbuBz"></img> (text-colour: blue)[[Why?->why-3]] (text-colour: yellow)[[Sleep->sleep-2]] (text-colour: green)[[Find Light Switch->light-2]] (text-colour: red)[[Go North->north-2]]

...interesting choice. You question the purpose of the Dark Fic, and your role in it. Let's look at the tags you've accumulated, shall we? Current tags: (if: $inventory's length > 0)[\ (for: each _item, ...$inventory)[_item ] ] The tags matter, Darren. The tags are how the dark fic contains you. They sustain the fic, help it grow, and eventually they'll kill the Darren that is you. (if: $identity is "coalie")[And don't think you can 'different coalie' your way out of this. You will //always// be the coalie the dark fic is replying to. The only uncertainty is how quickly this iteration of you dies. It can be right now, if you like. Would you like that?](if: $identity is "tagmod")[It's true that you've discovered how to control some of the tags, but the more you add, the more developed the dark fic becomes. Do you really, really wish to continue on this path?](if: $identity is "robbie")[It's familiar ground, at least. You've lost count of how many Darrens //you// killed within the Dark Room. Yes, they all left with a gift scrounged from a nearby charity shop...but //you// know that they left a part of themself with the game. Something that fed it. So...do you want to feed it some more?] <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1xhDLq58d8W_fKXHy7StwJq_et2Ulnunx"></img> (text-colour: blue)[[Yes?->yes3]] (text-colour: yellow)[[No?->no3]]

The dark fic shudders with hunger, and the tags sharpen into teeth. They multiply into new synonymous tags and tumblr-style freeform tags and beneath the letters and words you can just about make out eldritch symbols carved into those stained ivory prongs. The tag-teeth are everywhere, an open maw, multidimensional and closing all around you. (set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "teeth")+(a: "Cosmic Horror")) <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1cYyu-fh1q7uU4bkFf07f-yJYSdXLalkZ"></img> [[You die.->iteration3a]]

Congratulations! That's the first wise choice you've made in bloody ages. It's like a lightbulb over your head, or something. In fact...at that moment a lightbulb really does manifest into being in that exact spot. You are //literally enlightened//.(set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "Literally Enlightened")+(a:"reincarnation")). The Darren that is you isn't done with this fic, but in this one instance you realise you can [[take on a new Darrenness without dying first.->iteration3a]]

(set: $newid to "robbie") No question about your choice this time. You need some fucking fourth wall breaking insight, damn it! It occurs to you, that this fic has taken on a life and identity of its own. Maybe you need to write your way out of it? Appease the dark gods of Yuletide, somehow? You shiver. Ooooooh. The prospect of writing something functional under pressure feels like you need... <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1l7z_BEt_kuSGQbJH7O4ttohhpszaa4i7"></img> (text-colour: blue)[[Bears->bears]] (text-colour: yellow)[[Neither Hippos nor Bears->neither]] (text-colour: green)[[Hippos->hippos]] (text-colour: red)[[Hippos AND Bears->beppos]]

(set: $newid to "tagmod") That previous life did NOT go well. You need better control over the story tags, and an AO3 Tag Mod is //definitely// the right way to go! It occurs to you, that this fic has taken on a life and identity of its own. Maybe you need to write your way out of it? Appease the dark gods of Yuletide, somehow? You shiver. Ooooooh. The prospect of writing something functional under pressure feels like you need... <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1l7z_BEt_kuSGQbJH7O4ttohhpszaa4i7"></img> (text-colour: blue)[[Bears->bears]] (text-colour: yellow)[[Neither Hippos nor Bears->neither]] (text-colour: green)[[Hippos->hippos]] (text-colour: red)[[Hippos AND Bears->beppos]]

(set: $newid to "coalie") Okay, now you're REALLY certain that you need a fierce, anonymous warrior of the internet to fight your corner. You're a Coalie! It occurs to you, that this fic has taken on a life and identity of its own. Maybe you need to write your way out of it? Appease the dark gods of Yuletide, somehow? You shiver. Ooooooh. The prospect of writing something functional under pressure feels like you need...<img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1l7z_BEt_kuSGQbJH7O4ttohhpszaa4i7"></img> (text-colour: blue)[[Bears->bears]] (text-colour: yellow)[[Neither Hippos nor Bears->neither]] (text-colour: green)[[Hippos->hippos]] (text-colour: red)[[Hippos AND Bears->beppos]]

//Teamwork makes the Dreamwork!// you think to yourself as the TEAM tag solidifies. Beside you, four shadowy figures appear. All four have brown paper bags over their heads concealing their identities. "Um... hi, Coalies?" The Coalies--you assume that's what they are--are silent. It's hard to focus on them as individuals, and as you look at each of them in turn you sense more presences emerge around you. You take a step to the left. The Coalies mimic you. Another. Same result. You try some star jumps, and yes, they do that too. "So...should I find the lightswitch?" you ask. As one, they tilt their heads slightly to the left. Then, they split into two groups - one group stays stationary, while the other strides to the wall and stretches out to...there's a sudden flash, and a sizzle and the smell of burning, and the mobile group collapse into a heap of smoking corpses. <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1cYyu-fh1q7uU4bkFf07f-yJYSdXLalkZ"></img> This time, THEY die in your place. Huh. It seems you now have access to a group of Guinea Pigs... That'll be useful!(set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "Guinea Pigs") + (a: "Cruelty to Coalies"+(a: "Brush with Death"))) The Dark Fic shudders, and your reality trembles. Everything goes black again. The Darren that is you isn't done with this fic, but in this one instance you realise you can [[take on a new Darrenness without dying first.->iteration3a]]

(set: $critter to "Bear") You focus your mind on the Essence of Bears. It smells like a lint-covered marmalade sandwich. And, lo! A bear appears! It is wearing a blue duffle coat and a come-hither smile. Is it inviting you to... <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1LyjQmJNsKje3j9v3yBQqC6P3nNncUgYo"></img> (text-colour: blue)[[Fight->fight]] (text-colour: yellow)[[Fuck->fuck]] (text-colour: green)[[Dance->dance]]

Hippos? Bears? Nuh-uh! Hippos are the most lethal animals in all of Africa, and Bears...is there an outside chance that the Dark Fic would give you a helpful, marmalade-loving bear like Paddington? Does the Pope shit in the woods? You consider the alternatives presented to you(if: $critter is "wolf")[, recalling that you already encountered wolves once before](if: $inventory contains "Box of Delights")[. You reach into your pocket and pull out the Box of Delights. This time, if you need to escape, you'll //Go Small//. First though, your choice]: <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1Rt8mk0NKNlpPFLM9qmFYe02wlGzFls6t"></img> (text-colour: blue)[[Whales->whales]] (text-colour: yellow)[[Wolves->wolves]]

(set: $critter to "Hippo") You focus your mind on the Essence of Hipponess. It smells like the greasy Limpopo river. And, lo! A hippo appears! It is wearing a fetching frilly skirt and a come-hither smile. Is it inviting you to... <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1LyjQmJNsKje3j9v3yBQqC6P3nNncUgYo"></img> (text-colour: blue)[[Fight->fight]] (text-colour: yellow)[[Fuck->fuck]] (text-colour: green)[[Dance->hippodance]]

(set: $critter to "Beppo") You focus your mind on the Essence of Hippobearness. It smells like nothing imaginable. And, lo! A... //beppo?// ...appears! It is wearing a bearskin hat, yellow waders, and a come-hither smile. The smile has sharp teeth, and is wide enough to swallow 15 loaves of bread or one Darren in a single bite. Is it inviting you to... <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1LyjQmJNsKje3j9v3yBQqC6P3nNncUgYo"></img> (text-colour: blue)[[Fight->fight]] (text-colour: yellow)[[Fuck->fuck]] (text-colour: green)[[Dance->dance]]

You put up your fists, and ready yourself for some bare-knuckle action. Yes, you're facing a (if: $critter is "Hippo")[ tutu-wearing hippo](if: $critter is "Bear")[ duffle-coated bear](if: $critter is "Beppo")[ scary beppo] but you're a(if: $newid is "coalie")[ Coalie](if: $newid is "tagmod")[ Tag Mod](if: $newid is "robbie")[ Robbotron] Darren and you're pretty certain you can [[take them on->take]]!

In for a penny, in for a pound, right? Or in this case, a pounding. You summon your inner Chuck Tingle and invite the(if: $critter is "Hippo")[ tutu-wearing hippo](if: $critter is "Bear")[ duffle-coated bear](if: $critter is "Beppo")[ scary beppo] to join you in some sexy funtimes. Then, you can write it up as a Tingler, self publish it it, and escape through a narrative loophole into the freedom of Kindle Unlimited, maybe? Good idea, in theory. In practice, the best description of what happens next is "Not pounded in the butt by the manifestation of an interactive fiction in the form of an anthropomorphic animal, because consent matters and they were more interested in fucking //with// you than fucking you." <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1cYyu-fh1q7uU4bkFf07f-yJYSdXLalkZ"></img> [[Better luck next time, buckaroo!->iteration4a]] (set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "Tingler") + (a: "Love is Real") + (a: "attempted bestiality"))

This is the moment you have been waiting for, unknowingly, for all of your too-brief life. You take the (print: $critter) by the hand...forefoot?...and spin them into a dance. Ceilidh music is playing. Do you remember how to //strip the willow//? Another pair of dancing (print: $critter)s strike a glancing blow against you, and you stumble. Damn. Not the most graceful dancers, are they? Before you can recover, your dance partner steps hard on your foot. He mumbles an apology - you were both trying to lead - but the floor is shaking and another pair of (print: $critter)s is bouncing rapidly towards you. Your dance partner tries heroically to drag you out of the way, but it's too little, too slow, and too late. More (print: $critter) feet land on your abdomen and windpipe, stomping in time with the beat. [[You die->iteration4a]].(set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "Too Many Left Feet") <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1cYyu-fh1q7uU4bkFf07f-yJYSdXLalkZ"></img>]

This is the moment you have been waiting for, unknowingly, for all of your too-brief life. (if: $newid is "robbie")[You take the hippo by the hand...forefoot?...and spin them into a dance. Ceilidh music is playing. Do you remember how to //strip the willow//?](if: $newid is "coalie" or $newid is "tagmod")["Help me, Hippo!" you plead. "I'm stuck in a dark fic and need a beta. Will you dance for me?"] (if: $newid is "robbie")[Another pair of dancing hippos strike a glancing blow against you, and you stumble. Damn. Not the most graceful dancers, are they? Before you can recover, your dance partner steps hard on your foot. He mumbles an apology - you were both trying to lead - but the floor is shaking and another pair of hippos is bouncing rapidly towards you.](if: $newid is "coalie" or $newid is "tagmod")[The hippo smiles sweetly at you, and dances the dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy. "Guys, heed the hippo!" he says. "This Darren-person needs a beta for a dark fic."] (if: $newid is "robbie")[Your dance partner tries heroically to drag you out of the way, but it's too little, too slow, and too late. More hippo feet land on your abdomen and windpipe, stomping in time with the beat. [[You die->iteration4a]].](if: $newid is "coalie" or $newid is "tagmod")[Out of the shadows emerges a small grey wolf. She sits back on her haunches and yawns. (if: $newid is "robbie")[<img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1cYyu-fh1q7uU4bkFf07f-yJYSdXLalkZ"></img>](if: $newid is "robbie")[(set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "Too Many Left Feet")]"Yeah, I'm a beta. What are you after? Plot development? Characterisation? SpaG? Britpicking? Something else?"] (if: $newid is "coalie" or $newid is "tagmod")["I need help getting out of a tough spot in a fic", you say.] (if: $newid is "coalie" or $newid is "tagmod")[The beta wolf trots towards you, tail wagging. The others melt away into the shadows. "Sure!" your beta says. "Let's look at [[what you've got->betaoption]]."]

(set: $critter to "Whales") Whales are pretty smart, right? What's the worst that can happen if you summon a whale to help you out? //Yes, but which whale?// The one from that children's book is pretty helpful (though arguably the snail in it even more so). Michael Morpugo wrote about whales, too. You remember //Free Willy//, and snicker. As you ponder the different whale options, you become aware of a growing shadow. You look up to the sky. Not a bird. Not a plane. Not superman. //I didn't bring a towel//, you realise. (if: $inventory contains "Box of Delights")[//Go small! Go small! Go small!// you think, moving the knob on the top of the Box of Delights sideways. You feel everything compressing around you, soil beneath your feet, and discover that you are now a potted Petunia.](set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "Hoopy Frood"))(if: $inventory contains "Box of Delights")[(set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "pot-plant luck"))] Gravity always wins, and you die again, [[crushed by a whale->iteration4a]]. <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1cYyu-fh1q7uU4bkFf07f-yJYSdXLalkZ"></img>

(set: $critter to "Wolf") (if: $newid is "robbie")[Drawing on your inner Kevin Costner, you focus your mind on the Essence of Wolves. It smells like wood smoke and colonialism](if: $newid is "coalie")[Drawing on your inner anonmemer, you focus your mind on the Essence of Wolves. It smells like lube and moonlight](if: $newid is "tagmod")[Drawing on your inner Kay Harker, you focus your mind on the Essence of Wolves. It smells like scrobbled posset]. One by one, the wolfpack appears. They trot around you, sniffing at the air and occasionally howling at the moon. Perhaps you should try approaching one of them? <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1_yYKl0KMuMSV5Iy_TEyu1VKtb6siucWM"></img> (text-colour: blue)[[Find an Alpha->alpha]] (text-colour: yellow)[[Find a Beta->beta]]

(if: $newid is "robbie")[You stand tall, and cough for attention. "Greetings, Wolf Friends! Which of you is the Alpha?"](if: $newid is "coalie")[Pedantically, you already know that the whole alpha/beta/omega things is bullshit. You also wouldn't enter that as a search key on the archive from a work computer...but maybe if you can persuade the Alpha Wolf that you're [[not a threat->notathreat]]...](if: $newid is "tagmod")[There's a way through this, you're certain of it. Who was that archetype figure? ...yeah, Herne the Hunter! If you can just figure out how to [[summon them->herne]]].... (if: $newid is "robbie")[The circling wolves stop in their tracks, and turn to face you, jaws salivating. Well, [[shit->iteration4a]]] (if: $newid is "robbie")[<img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1cYyu-fh1q7uU4bkFf07f-yJYSdXLalkZ"></img>] (set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "Eaten by Wolves"))

(if: $newid is "robbie")[You stand tall, and cough for attention. "Greetings, Wolf Friends! Which of you is the Beta?"](if: $newid is "coalie" or $newid is "tagmod")[There's a very real chance that these wolves are about to eat you, regardless of what you try here, but you've learned enough about the Dark Fic to try this...] (if: $newid is "coalie" or $newid is "tagmod")["I'm looking for a beta", you say. The circling wolves stop in their tracks, and turn to face you, jaws salivating. ](if: $newid is "robbie")[The circling wolves stop in their tracks, and turn to face you, jaws salivating. "All of you, eh? Good! So that would make me the alpha then?] You assess the pack. They're lean and hungry-looking. Spoiling for a fight. (if: $newid is "coalie" or $newid is "tagmod")[And then, one of them sits back on its haunches and yawns. "Yeah, I'm a beta. What are you after? Plot development? Characterisation? SpaG? Britpicking? Something else?"] (if: $newid is "coalie" or $newid is "tagmod")["I need help getting out of a tough spot in a fic", you say.] (if: $newid is "coalie" or $newid is "tagmod")[The beta wolf trots towards you, tail wagging. The others melt away into the shadows. "Sure!" your beta says. "Let's look at [[what you've got->betaoption]]."] (if: $newid is "robbie")[//Or dinner.//] (if: $newid is "robbie")["Well, [[shit->iteration4a]]] (if: $newid is "robbie")[(set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "Eaten by Wolves"))] (if: $newid is "robbie")[<img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1cYyu-fh1q7uU4bkFf07f-yJYSdXLalkZ"></img>]

You are once again in the silence between death and rebirth. There are story tags here. (if: $inventory's length > 0)[\ (for: each _item, ...$inventory)[_item ] ] There is also one, final choice... (if: $identity is "tagmod" and $newid is "coalie")[<img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/19zj0t_AcxFdgpaFuNQIqQeWTlgSrpYIu"></img>](if: $identity is "coalie" and $newid is "tagmod")[<img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/19zj0t_AcxFdgpaFuNQIqQeWTlgSrpYIu"></img>](if: $identity is "robbie" and $newid is "tagmod")[<img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1Tfu5cq74WoRJamO6lujMkh7scKNU1q7V"></img>](if: $identity is "tagmod" and $newid is "robbie")[<img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1Tfu5cq74WoRJamO6lujMkh7scKNU1q7V"></img>](if: $identity is "robbie" and $newid is "coalie")[<img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/14gOZG-h9NCaJFvNCU25cLNFc64n4s9AH"></img>](if: $identity is "coalie" and $newid is "robbie")[<img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/14gOZG-h9NCaJFvNCU25cLNFc64n4s9AH"></img>] (if: $identity is "coalie" and $newid is "robbie")[(text-colour: yellow)[[Tagmod Darren->tagmodfinal]]](if: $identity is "robbie" and $newid is "coalie")[(text-colour: yellow)[[Tagmod Darren->tagmodfinal]]] (if: $identity is "robbie" and $newid is "tagmod")[(text-colour: green)[[Coalie Darren->coaliefinal]]](if: $identity is "tagmod" and $newid is "robbie")[(text-colour: green)[[Coalie Darren->coaliefinal]]] (if: $identity is "coalie" and $newid is "tagmod")[(text-colour: red)[[Robbotron Darren->robbiefinal]]](if: $identity is "tagmod" and $newid is "coalie")[(text-colour: red)[[Robbotron Darren->robbiefinal]]]

Your beta considers the story tags:(set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "beta-read by wolves")+(a: "breaking the fourth wall")) (if: $inventory's length > 0)[\ (for: each _item, ...$inventory)[_item ] ] "Huh," she says. "It's really not as bad as it appears - and I've fixed what I can. Quit procrastinating and just post the damn story. If it works out, great, and if not, there's always next year?" She glances left, right, ahead and behind, manifesting four walls around you. "You'll want to head through that one," she says, gesturing at the last. "We're already deeply meta and it's pretty flimsy at this point. No need to die this time!" You thank your beta, take a deep breath, and launch yourself at the [[fourth wall->iteration4a]]

You have got this far, through tags and trauma, and there's only one thing left to do. You need to post a fucking story of your own. If you can...(set: $finalid to "tagmod") You realise that your story isn't quite in the state it needs to be. Should you default, and hope a pinch-hitter saves the day? There's absolutely no shame if you can't get it finished, so just hit the 'default' button and commit yourself to a New Year's Resolution. Alternatively...this experience didn't come with a letter or any additional details. It's just you in a Dark Fic, and you know what they say? //Optional Details Are Optional//. Screw the apparent rules of this place! You're going to follow the exchange to the letter and no further, and hope it's enough to get you out of here. On the other hand...maybe what this place really needs is a taste of its own medicine. Something wildly unexpected and dubiously appropriate. Dewclaws. Give it some fucking //dewclaws//. They all seem like reasonable options, but fuck, you're so, so tired of this. Can't you just phone something in at the minimum wordcount. You can edit more in later if needs be. If ever there was a time for a bus pass fic, surely, //surely//, that time is now. <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1WV76Bplsi_oYfcU5DKjWuQRAbOKPNJid"></img> (set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "Putting the Dead in Deadline")) (text-colour: blue)[[Default->default]] (text-colour: yellow)[[Optional Details Are Optional->ODAO]] (text-colour: green)[[Dewclaws->dewclaws]] (text-colour: red)[[Placeholder upload->bus pass]]

You have got this far, through tags and trauma, and there's only one thing left to do. You need to post a fucking story of your own. If you can...(set: $finalid to "robbie")(set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "Putting the Dead in Deadline")) You realise that your story isn't quite in the state it needs to be. Should you default, and hope a pinch-hitter saves the day? There's absolutely no shame if you can't get it finished, so just hit the 'default' button and commit yourself to a New Year's Resolution. Alternatively...this experience didn't come with a letter or any additional details. It's just you in a Dark Fic, and you know what they say? //Optional Details Are Optional//. Screw the apparent rules of this place! You're going to follow the exchange to the letter and no further, and hope it's enough to get you out of here. On the other hand...maybe what this place really needs is a taste of its own medicine. Something wildly unexpected and dubiously appropriate. Dewclaws. Give it some fucking //dewclaws//. They all seem like reasonable options, but fuck, you're so, so tired of this. Can't you just phone something in at the minimum wordcount. You can edit more in later if needs be. If ever there was a time for a bus pass fic, surely, //surely//, that time is now. <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1WV76Bplsi_oYfcU5DKjWuQRAbOKPNJid"></img> (text-colour: blue)[[Default->default]] (text-colour: yellow)[[Optional Details Are Optional->ODAO]] (text-colour: green)[[Dewclaws->dewclaws]] (text-colour: red)[[Placeholder upload->bus pass]]

You have got this far, through tags and trauma, and there's only one thing left to do. You need to post a fucking story of your own. If you can...(set: $finalid to "coalie") You realise that your story isn't quite in the state it needs to be. Should you default, and hope a pinch-hitter saves the day? There's absolutely no shame if you can't get it finished, so just hit the 'default' button and commit yourself to a New Year's Resolution. Alternatively...this experience didn't come with a letter or any additional details. It's just you in a Dark Fic, and you know what they say? //Optional Details Are Optional//. Screw the apparent rules of this place! You're going to follow the exchange to the letter and no further, and hope it's enough to get you out of here. On the other hand...maybe what this place really needs is a taste of its own medicine. Something wildly unexpected and dubiously appropriate. Dewclaws. Give it some fucking //dewclaws//.(set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "Putting the Dead in Deadline")) They all seem like reasonable options, but fuck, you're so, so tired of this. Can't you just phone something in at the minimum wordcount. You can edit more in later if needs be. If ever there was a time for a bus pass fic, surely, //surely//, that time is now. <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1WV76Bplsi_oYfcU5DKjWuQRAbOKPNJid"></img> (text-colour: blue)[[Default->default]] (text-colour: yellow)[[Optional Details Are Optional->ODAO]] (text-colour: green)[[Dewclaws->dewclaws]] (text-colour: red)[[Placeholder upload->bus pass]]

For what you hope will be the final time, you examine your story tags: (if: $inventory's length > 0)[\ (for: each _item, ...$inventory)[_item ] ] It's not //impossible// to make this work. Mix up (print: $inventory's 4th) with the last item but one. Turn yourself into an antagonist, and work in the character arc from Newbie-Darren to (print: $finalid)-Darren. Was (print: $inventory's 5th) on your recipient's Do Not Want list? Shit, yes. Can that idea. You can always use (print: $inventory's 6th) instead and add a ship tag for hippos/bears. You stalk your recipient's history on ao3 and if you can't quite write the fic of their dreams, this one at least passes muster for the Yulegoat. You paste in the story text, add a title (referencing one of your recipient's stories, to prove you truly care) and a summary that includes a few friendly content notes. (The tags will also cover that side of things, of course.) "I WROTE YOU A DARK FIC!" you scream at the dark fic that you are still, inexorably, trapped inside. You don't want to win the game any more -- that thousand pounds from Robbotron's bank account was never on the cards. You don't even want to escape this place and claim your own piece of charity shop tat to go home with. You just want the warm fuzzy glow of a job well done. (if: $inventory contains "beta-read by wolves")["IT'S BETA READ BY A WOLF!" you add, and: "THANKS, BETA" ](set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "stalking")+(a:"ODAO")+(a:"hippos/bears")) You hit //publish//. The fic is live! And the [[Yulegoat smiles upon you...->Yulegoat]]

Decision made, you set to work. You're going to write a story that breaks the very brains of this place. Dewclaws, schmewclaws! For what you hope will be the final time, you examine your story tags: (if: $inventory's length > 0)[\ (for: each _item, ...$inventory)[_item ] ] This will never work, and that's the entire point! Mix up (print: $inventory's 2nd) with the last item but two. Bring in an OC as the protagonist, and give them an identical-twin-Darren. Kill off (print: $newid)-Darren; he was boring. Was (print: $inventory's 3rd) on your recipient's Do Not Want list? No? Ha! More fool them: it's gonna be on everyone's DNW list next year! Add a relationship tag for reader/Virginia Woolf. Who cares if they never find that section! Hmm...what would piss off the fabric of the dark fic the most? Maybe make the whole thing a Coffee Shop AU, but it's actually a cake shop with recipes and everything and the recipes are really, really bad, and all the people are praying mantises. Make the protag weirdly obsessed with some dead historic figure with a German accent, or have them chew gum all the time with their mouth open and add some sound effects of mouth noises. That'll be a good time to bring in (print: $inventory's 6th). Yes! Yeeeees. One last thing needed. Funetic spelling. Yoov cracked it now! Yoo payst in the storee text and ad a tytul and summaree. "I ROTE YOU A DARK FIK!" yoo skreem at the dark fik that yoo ar stil, inecksorablee, trapped insyd. You hit //publish//. [[The fik is lyv!->dcfinal]] (set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "not beta-read")+(a: "praying for mantises")+(a: "reader/Virginia Woolf")+(a:"Putting the Phon in Phonetic"))

For what you hope will be the final time, you examine your story tags: (if: $inventory's length > 0)[\ (for: each _item, ...$inventory)[_item ] ] It's not //impossible// to make this work. Mix up (print: $inventory's 4th) with the last item but one. Turn yourself into an antagonist, and work in the character arc from Newbie-Darren to (print: $finalid)-Darren. Hope that it's enough, and your recipient won't complain to the mods when you inevitably get run over by a bus before you can update with a better edit. Was (print: $inventory's 5th) on your recipient's Do Not Want list? Too late to check now! You paste in the story text, add a title (some literary quote usually works) and a random line of text as the summary. For good measure, you add the story tags, too. "DO YOU WANT A DARK FIC?" you scream at the dark fic that you are still, inexorably, trapped inside. You don't want to win the game any more -- that thousand pounds from Robbotron's bank account was never on the cards. You just want to escape this place and claim your own piece of charity shop tat to go home with. You hit //publish//. The fic is live! Then you remember what WAS on the DNW list...and it's very, very much present in your story. Shit! What are you going to do now? (set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "bus pass to hell")) [[Default with grace and write a New Years Resolution->default]] or... [[Add it to the anonymous collection and blame the whole thing on a rogue orthodontist.->dentistry]]

The fabric of the dark fic universe shudders. There's a wracking, gasping sound from somewhere. It might be laughter? Or maybe tortured weeping. Your consciousness latches onto the noise, letting it fill your mind and drown out all thoughts. The dark fic is disolving around you. Was it [[laughing->tat]] or [[weeping->dentistry]]? And was it yours, or the fic's? Or both?

The Yulegoat is, indeed, smiling. It bleats at you, shaking its head (it's wearing a Santa Hat), and then starts chewing on the fabric of the Dark Fic. Goats eat anything, you know? <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1oL9LjmJLE80f62C78j6YGdCJBQQ_Y0Y0"></img> Bit by bit, the scenery is torn down, revealing a dark room lit by some fairy lights. In one corner is a [[table of charity shop tat->tat]]. In the opposite corner, on top of a raised plinth, is a [[flamboyant potato->pineapple]]. (set: $inventory to $inventory + (a:"Everyone's a Winner") + (a: "Yulegoat"))

You approach the Flamboyant Potato, feeling your anxiety loading closer and closer to 100%. Have you managed to escape? Not only escape, but please the Dark Fic and the Yulegoat? Angelic singing echoes out of a speaker on the ceiling. You're so close now. So close. You close your eyes and [[grasp your pineapple-of-reward firmly with both hands->fin]]. (set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "flamboyant potato"))

You hear laughter. It is your laughter! The Dark Fic is also laughing, in its own way, and the Yulegoat smiles upon you! The Dark Fic dissolves into nothingness and you find yourself back where you started, holding in your hand a small figurine of a fairy with one of the wings broken off. [[Charity shop tat! Isn't that how every Dark Fic experience should end?->fin]] (set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "tat"))

You hear weeping. It is your weeping. You hear a high-pitched whine. It belongs to the orthodontist's drill, oscillating at high speed. You beg and plead, but the orthodontist is not your friend, and will not bear any responsibility for your monstrosity of a fic. They set to work, with gusto, and for the final time... <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1cYyu-fh1q7uU4bkFf07f-yJYSdXLalkZ"></img> [[You did wake to find yourself in a dark fic, after all...->fin]] (set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "bad dentistry"))

Your journey is over, and you found the (if: $inventory contains "flamboyant potato")[good](if: $inventory contains "tat")[mediocre](if: $inventory contains "bad dentistry")[bad] ending! May it bring you all the joy of the season! Happy Yuletide, (print: $finalid)-Darren! //End Credits// (if: $inventory's length > 0)[\ (for: each _item, ...$inventory)[_item ] ]

<img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1nQZoKfD3emCzNwWk8mwnwMNw9IdRvuQC"></img> ...is what you're expecting at this point. In your must sultry and wistful voice, you croon: //"My heart yearns for the sea, but my bowels churn on the ship, and my gizzards quiver for the sweet bo-//OUCH!" Pain lances through your forehead. You raise a hand and touch it, gingerly, and it comes away wet with blood. Something hit you! You focus on the darkness. There are footsteps. A shape approaching. "Who the hell are you?" you demand. "Virginia fucking Woolf you cockwomble," the woman answers, "And this is MY lighthouse you're messing with." The woman launches another stone. She has damn good aim. Is it really Virginia Woolf? "You're not like I...OW!" The woman claiming to be Virginia Woolf growls at you. "No? I used to be a pacifist, too." "It's just that-you quickly stop yourself from continuing. Virginia Woolf. Lighthouse. Stream of Consciousness. A dark fic that goes //way// too literal at times. And I'm still talking, aren't I? Oh, no that won't do." "The woman stands close to you now," you continue to narrate, "in a heavy woollen housecoat stained with pondweed and despair, the same dull green as the grass on the dunes when the sky dims before thunder and rain. Will this release the stream of consciousness I need, she considers; her hands clenched around another heavy stone in her pocket. Birds feet on a branch, pressing in like knives. She must do it. She must." "Horror struck, you stand there, helpless, caught in her gaze as the lump of death is raised above her head. You saw such a stone once, on the strand, beneath the feet of an artist. His canvas showed the Lighthouse, misshapen - he had no eye for art, or colour, and the pain dripped down, drip, drip, onto the ground below, just as your blood drips, drips from the stone in her hand and your consciousness flows and flows and [[you die->iteration3a]]" (set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "Out of Character") + (a: "You're afraid of Virginia Woolf!"))

You grab tags at random and insert them forcefully into the one that reads "Major Character Death" How amusing! All you've achieved is some truly ugly flavour text, zero kudos, and some bad reviews. In shame, [[you die->iteration3a]] (set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "Oh the Shame!") + (a: "Badfic"))

(set: $why to it + 1) ...and everything shifts around you. You feel a growing sense of power. Fire, burning within you. Knowledge, stolen from the gods themselves! Chains, holding you down at ankle and wrist.(if: $why > 1)[..again.] A fierce mountain wind scouring your naked flesh.(if: $why > 1)[..again.] An even fiercer eagle, pecking at your exposed liver.(if: $why > 1)[..again.] Oh. (if: $why < 4)[[[You die->prometheus]]] (if: $why > 3)[[[You die->iteration3a]]] (if: $why > 3)[(set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "Promethian Punishment"))]

All tags: major character death socratic method poison birdfood DNR oregon trail trapped in the narrative insomnia haunted house violence body horror Idiot ball Cautious Well Rested Gollum Something smells like vinegar Smells like something burning Czech Please Goulash Defenestration FearOfFalling FearOfLanding Cartography 101 Deeply Misguided Internal Compass Lambent Orbs Belly of the Beast Evil Snowman Tired AF SmellsLikeSomethingBurningAgain Lump of Coal Box of Delights Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics knotting NSFW dewclaws Enlightenment Let it go teeth cosmic horror literally enlightened reincarnation Onanism Crappy Mary Sue Turtle Power

You exert your will on the tags. You're a writer, too! You can create your own pain and punishment. The Dark Fic shudders, and your reality trembles. Everything goes black again. The Darren that is you isn't done with this fic, but in this one instance you realise you can [[take on a new Darrenness without dying first.->iteration3a]] (set: $inventory to $inventory +(a: "Brush with Death") + (a: "Authorial Fiat"))

Oh, how wrong you were! (if: $critter is "Hippo")[The tutu-wearing hippo was graceful enough to let you thrown the first punch. You never got a second one in, because by then you were on the ground being trampled into a two-dimensional smear while the hippo does the dance of the sugar plum fairy on your head.](if: $critter is "Bear")[The duffle-coated bear --definitely not Paddington, more of an actual, evil bear who is pissed off to be wearing a knock-off Paddington-style duffle-coat bought off Temu--rips you limb from limb, fashions your skin into a far better piece of rainwear, and your more smooshy bits into marmalde.](if: $critter is "Beppo")[The weird critter that you're thinking of as a beppo just opens wide and bites down, like that one scene with the guy in the portaloo in Jurassic Park. It hurts.] <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1cYyu-fh1q7uU4bkFf07f-yJYSdXLalkZ"></img> [[What //were// you thinking?->iteration4a]] (set: $inventory to $inventory + (a: "What were you thinking?"))

The circling wolves stop in their tracks, and turn to face you, jaws salivating. Well, [[shit->iteration4a]] <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1cYyu-fh1q7uU4bkFf07f-yJYSdXLalkZ"></img>

Cupping your hands, you try to make a hunting-call noise. The first attempt sounds more like a wet fart or a kazoo or an owl with anger management problems. Do the wolves like this kind of thing? Reader, they do //not//. The circling wolves stop in their tracks, and turn to face you, jaws salivating. Well, [[shit->iteration4a]] <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1cYyu-fh1q7uU4bkFf07f-yJYSdXLalkZ"></img>

It feels so, so good to take the pressure off. You've been through a lot, this journey. You're not going to make it this year. Time to settle back on the couch, eat some mince pies and wait for New Year. Your [[New Year's Resolution fic->You Awake]] is calling...(set: $inventory to $inventory+(a:"NYR"))